A Doozy
2004-06-25||xx||12:31 p.m.
First- Autie... I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to take what i put into my diary as , well I don't know. I like the lyrics thing, personally, but I should stay away from it since I am too ruled by my emotions. Things will get to me, and then this... I don't know- anyways, keep doing your lyrics, I'm just a stupid silly old man. Really.
Now...have you ever managed to depress yourself just by having an imaginary conversation within yourself?
Probably, but can you always count on yourself to do it to you, everytime?
Probably not.
I worked with both Jody and Korrie last night, and I know that I had stated that I never see Korrie, and that things would be best left to cool off, but I don't really know that I can. I've gone the tough route's before, turning away from Julie when Eric developed interest, staying friends with Chrissy after the whole thing with her and Frank broke my heart, and recently, swallowing every emotion I had for Amber and turning it towards friendship. (I know, I know, but I am struggling with thoughts, emotions and concepts here- it HAS to come out.) But this, I don't think I can do it.
I've been denying to myself that I have any feelings for Korrie, denying because I don't really know her and it could simply be a baseline infatuation, but I can't really deny it.
I can't explain it in any words that will ever make enough sense to me, but when I am talking to her, I am so taken with her, everything...How attractive she is, how approachable she is, her voice...It's like being a kid and seeing the biggest, sweetest, most tantalizing piece of candy and knowing that you can't have it. (And sure, you can say your not a sugar freak and you could resist, but for once, just this one fucking time try to understand).
She was talking to me, about how she has a spot on her head that has difficulty growing hair. Apparently it's something to do with a tick, and when she was younger, and I was amused by her story, yes, but in the same, I was just entranced by her eyes, and her face, and her expressions...it was magical. I can imagine now, what a fey creature appears to be.
Then, later, when I was sitting out in dugout, drinking a beer, she came up and bumped up against my side a few times. I wanted sooo badly to wrap an arm around her waist and pull her close, but I just couldn't. Everytime I look at her I just think, "Oh Korrie, if you only knew..."
But I am scared to let her know, scared because I don't know what she'll say. I don't want to chance losing what I do have, which in reflection, is really what? A smile and conversation? Is it all nothing? Or is it something?
And then there's the compounding problem- Jody. She's another one. Her eyes just ...they just dance! I can't explain her either- it's like...I'm comfortable talking to her. She'll come up to the window, and just be smiling, and her eyes will be laughing, and there is something just infectious about that girl! I start smiling, and laughing and giggling! It doesn't matter how down I am, or how upset I am, something in her eyes makes me smile, and I don't know whow to deal with that. I'm just comfortable with her.
And she has a boyfriend, and is 19 on top of all that, so there is, whether I want to admit it or not, or even give strength to it, an age thing to consider. The age thing never seems to be a problem when your 50, but before that... well it's there. But, I'm comfortable with her. I have been comfortable with a mere hanful of girls/ women. Brooke, certainly, was the most recent that I was completely comfortable with, and yes, I can see that may cause some to ask what about Amber? I don't know about Amber, okay? I mean, yes, we dated, and yes I was in love, but there are parts of me that wonder if I wasn't more in love with being in love than actually being in love. I'm not taking anything away from what Amber and I had, but, as a girlfriend, it wasn't close to what I have as Brooke's friend, and I hope that those who read this will understand what I mean by that. In no way is it slighting or meant to be slighting to anyone, it's just me trying very hard to come to terms with a concept and an emotion.
Before Brooke though, I was that close with two other people, the barely mentioned Julie, and AnnaBooBatNiniRoo. My sister, (not my real one, my own family I am as distant as the sun with, but my friend/sister. The first sister.)
Maybe the closeness manifests themselves in the form of platonic friendships- I don't know. All I know is Anna and I used to cuddle, or sleep together as some would put it. Being platonic it was hours of cuddling, and while I never did that with Julie, Brooke was there for several hours of snuggles. All innocent cuddles, but still, cuddles. The concept of being so close and comfortable with someone that you can curl up with them and go to sleep is a favorite concept of mine, and while I haven't had that in a while since Jerry (Brooke's guy) is known for jealousy, it's still one of my favorite things to do on a rainy day. Well, besides dancing in the big honkin puddles outside Brooke's house.
But yeah, I have that kind of comfort level with Jody, and while I am not saying that I expect to be sleeping with her anytime soon, there still is a comfort level that I don't have with Korrie. Mostly because Korrie makes butterfly's flutter about my stomach and Jody kinda centers me.
So I don't really know what to do about all that.
I do know that I follow my horoscopes, and it was saying that I would be reflecting inwardly soon, and damn it all, here I am. When can I go back to being happy and bubbly instead of emotionally fucked?
And I have pretty much lost my train of thought now- a phone call and two test messages will do that to you. Anyways, here is my parting lyric for you.
From Shakespeare's Sister, a truly wonderful band that sadly, dissapeared with time's passing. Stay.
Stay
If this world is wearing thin
And you're thinking of escape
I'll go anywhere with you
Just wrap me up in chains
But if you try to go alone
Don't think I'll understand
I'll do anything it takes
Chorus
Stay with me, stay with me
In the silence of your room
In the darkness of your dreams
You must only think of me
There can be no in between
When your pride is on the floor
I'll make you beg for more
In the darkness of your schemes
There among the souvenirs
And the useless memories
Chorus
You'd better hope and pray
That you make it safe
Back to your own world
You'd better hope and pray
That you wake one day
In your own world
'Cause when you sleep at night
They don't hear your cries
In your own world
Only time will tell
If you can break the spell
Back in your own world
That you'll be safe
In your own world
That you're gonna awake
Back in your own world
Chorus
stay...
I'm out- sorry if I upset anyone with this post. I just need, sometimes to cut through what's in my mind. And sometimes, i wonder, because of the way I analyze things, if I am even capable of emotions. Damn cynical nature I guess.
Peace,
Jon