April 16
2004-04-17||xx||12:56 a.m.
Have you ever noticed, how, when you have two mirrors mounted on opposite sides of a right angle, and seperated from the corner by a space of three inches each way, and you enter the room, (which we shall call a bathroom), you will never see your face reflected in those mirrors? It's like, you get an image of what is coming but there is never a clearly defined image of what is to be. That's the way I look at my life sometimes. I have this glimpse of the future, whether it's a day, month, year or even hour down the road but I never get to see exactly how I fit into it all.
It's kinda unnerving in a way- like I never have a handle on what, and who I am.
It's odd- i have come to terms, for the most part, with that overwhelming sense of mortality that occured when i turned 31, but still, i don't know where I fit into life. It sucks, more than usual, when i run into people I have worked with, and they've all moved on, and yet here I am, still working at Pargo's, still living at home, and still depending on others to live.
Oh yeah, and once again, i am lonely. Not lonely as in pining away in misery about what i am missing, simply lonely in the sense I go to work, I work, i interact with several beautiful young women and have great conversations and such, but, at the end of the day i still go home, alone, and sit amidst a mountain of dvd's, alone. I have no companionship, and it's beginning to drive me nuts. And not good nuts either.
There used to be a time when i could get out of the house, go driving and just get away into my own little world. loud music was the key, and trips on the road- i don't even have that now. Late at night, I have silence, and quiet, and a stifling measure of heat and restriction. Life, it binds, and chafes.
I hate it, the way things are right now, the way they seem to stay for an indeterminable amount of time.
This may be a rather long post tonight.
Feast of Fools is coming soon, and while I am really excited about seeing those that i miss, I am really, really angry as well. According to an Allthing Minutes, those members of CG, (which I am), that are planning on attending FoF (which again, I am), are required to volunteer at least two hours of aid to the event. Required. This, i feel is bullshit, for several reasons, both righteous and personal. In the past, if they had a lack, there were always those of other groups that were willing to step in and assist where they were needed. Groups are built upon a sense of teamwork and assistance, and this is fine. now though, i feel CG has gotten too damned big for it's own good. they want to be a Kingdom. Well, in attaining that goal I feel that they should have the numbers to fill an event easily, without resorting to strongarm tactics of required volunteerism. I cannot count the amount of times in the past that i went to an event and ended up serving time as a reeve. Despite several assurances that I was nopt up to date with my testing, i was allowed not only on the field, but also placed in a position of top reeve for the day, eclipsing even the authority of the GM of Reeves. This should never happen, regardless of whether I was a GM of Reeves or a Walker of the Middle. The rules were made to be followed. Now, as far as a personal reason, this is the first event I have been able to attend all winter. I plan to go only to see friends, and those I have not seen in ages. Nowhere in those plans are participation in events, and so forth. I do not wish, on a very personal;, angry level to squander my time with forced volunteerism. I have very strong feelings about this one.
Beyond that, i noticed that they also would not be sponsoring a meal at GE, but would assist in the Kitchen wherever needed. Sorry, don't need you with my meal. True, i am CG, but I am not doing the meal at GE because I am CG. I'm doing it because I want to, and my friends asked me to. I am not actively representing the Groves, nor will i tout them at any time during the event. I have always chafed when it was said that i represented them well with any event I cooked. Wise up people- I'm a cook, a good one at that- i enjoy cooking, even more so for my friends. i would do this for a living if I could. I had several people at work offer to help, only to rescind that offer when they realized I wasn't getting paid for it. Why does everything have to be a mercenary form of assistance. can't you just do something because you fucking want to?
Small issue with GE though- my class on Sunday about cooking for the medieval camper. It's been described as what you can cook at events and still remain in period. Wrong- i will not be teaching that. Fact is, if you want to stay in period at events go to a CG event, where they have chefs from SCA preparing their meals. be prepared to use a lot of salt for curing meats, and saffron for the seasoning, because quite simply, any other spice was difficult to obtain and for the rich. What I will teach is what you can cook, instead of hamburgers and hot dogs, and manage to eat well, and easily. That was the original suggestion, that is my goal.
Bought and watched Kill Bill this week. I have to say, it was a masterpiece and I cannot wait for the next one. Made Frank and Chrissy and the gang watch it too- they enjoyed it I think.
Otherwise, nothing really new to report. Just...stuff.
Love you all,
Cephy