This is a rant....
2004-03-05||xx||5:52 p.m.
Friends, get ready to scream at me. It has been, at the present time, almost 50 hours since I ate anything sufficient. And the thing is, i really don't know why. I know I got severely pissed off at my job last night, and something that I felt because of something stupid, but today, when we visited Quiznos I refused to eat because of beliefs based on annoyance with their current marketing, the fact i felt pressured by the customers coming in for the "in" thing, and just being fucking crotchety.
So... I haven't eaten. Well, I had acandy bar, and a few donuts, but you know what I mean. And the thing is, i'm just not in the mood to eat either.
Go figure.
It's been a week. Found out something about a friend and another friend and the situation and it has annoyed me that I can't call said friend because of job but that's a minor annoyance in regards to all that is there to be done. And all i can say is this- Brooke I love you. Been thinking about you lately, nearly nonstop and it just burns me, or burns me more than usual just how much I miss my friend. That said- i know I said you had mail coming and some stuff happened that it wasn't coming and now I no longer have the thing I was sending in the first goddamned place but the thing is this. Opus is back- Berkley Breathed is drawing the insane penguin again and it is a beloved sunday morning ritual for me that i wake up and scour the comics to get my Opus fix. I can only hope you do too, because well, it's one of those things i love sharing with you and obscene love of the penguin.
That being said I want very much to send you something I made- it's a cd, and stuff. I remember when you first had a cd burner, how I would randomly get music you thought I would like. It's my turn and I think I have made you a doozy. So, it's coming. And stuff.
Do i sound like I am rambling? I am- fuck it- i haven't had the ability to write for so long and so help me god, ramble or not I will write.
This past week i had a major toothache at work and the pain was spioking through the 1500 or so miligrams of bliss I had consumed. Then my friend Josh gave me percaset. happy happy me- I was painfree, and later on, tipsy. I drank a few Yuenglings, and later at home, a half bottle of Gran Spumante'.
I'm going to have a vehicle here soon again. Chrissy's dad has a car that he is going to let me drive as long as I pay the insurance on it. It won't get me anywhere like PA because it wouldn't be safe, but for getting around town and to work, it will do nicely.
So i suppose that's the news- other than had a Jon/Aidan moment the other day when some kids laughed at me about my clothes and I suppose, appearance. The reason I say Jon is that he has this happenstance to write fictional accounts about things he would like to do to people when they have wronged him or just been stupid. it's all based on a videogame and the violence portrayed therein. very funny.
Of course, I mention this because in my mind's eye I could see this one little shit going through the window and the other one meeting traffic off the bridge headon. I hate fuck heads. i know so many teenagers who are respectful and don't laugh at other people's clothes or make comments. But these little fuck wads shitmoles that think it's funny to put another person down drives me up a wall. I dealt with this in school- i do not need to be dealing with it now. And of course, i am not about to act on it but man, the perverse pleasure I could derive from teaching a little shit a lesson ...
Fuck them, fuck them the fuck all. One day they'll understand, one day.
Sorry, i know I'm not sounding like the happy Cephy you all are likely used to, but these kids really pissed me off, and well, I need an outlet. Between my sister's sheer idiocy and work being so....
See, here's the thing. The other night at work we were expecting a 50 top for a late night dinner. All night long it was made to sound like I would need to stick around and help cook, and since I phase out I wasn't altogether happy about that. It got worse when I was told that the kitchen manager and the store manager were coming back and that they had called Tony to come in and cook it. That was a serious blow because it seemed that I wasn't trusted to be able to cook this food. Like I needed someone to hold my hand through the whole meal. Christ it was only a few fucking people.
So when Matt gets there he wonders why we haven't phased, I told him what we thought and he flipped out in his "I know every goddamned thing and am perfect" speech. I quietly lost it. And kept it lost. And apparently, today is the day it has chosen to emerge.
*deep breath* I wish... really I do, that I could make a living doing food for events, and not have to put up with this sanctimonius bullshit. I may go into catering, just because it's planning big events and pulling it off when you have a skeleton crew. I enjoy that- what i do now....fuck it.
Looking to move back in with Chrissy, Frank and Kate again. theyre looking for a place because of some issues here (Nicole's baby and the kids visit. So, were looking again. Which, would be good. I may never be able to support myself fully, alone, and until I meet that one special person who will be everything I have ever needed, I have to live by support of my friends.
That's the one thing I begrudge my mother for- and in a way, I guess I am still angry at her for dying when she did. She never taught me how to survive on my own. I was sheltered, and cared for. Coddled you may say. Sheltered. And I never got the instinct to care for myself. I seriously need a guide book to life- the Dummies Guide to Life.
GAH! Somedays, I really think I am short of losing it, and just snapping. Other days- I am the old me that everyone knows.
Today is not one of those days.
Since I am in bitch mode- here's more. There is this guy at work who just doesn't realize how close he is to getting punched. Decked. Hurt. I... he plucks on that last nerve, all the fucking time. And I can't deal with him. I just can't.
He constantly pushes me, as if seeing how far he can annoy me. He's always reaching out to touch me, and friends, there is few things that piss me off than being touched when I don't want to be.
Being hugged, pounced, snuggled- that's all one thing. Having your arm grabbed and punched, or reaching out to smack my head is grounds for a soup bowl richocheting off your skull with vehemence. And the thing is I told him, and continue to tell him, very clearly- Stop touching me. And he insists on pushing me.
I won't hide this- I have a temper, and it is rather severe when I have been pushed. I got pushed once in high school and I snapped on a friend. That resulted with me pushing him into a wall and biting ldown on the anger to keep from hurting him. The next time I burst blood vessels behind my eyes and straight punched a solid brick wall in my anger. I haven't been there for years, and Scott (not my company mate, but Scott who goes by name of Gregory at Pargo's) is very damn close to pushing me over that edge. VERY close.
The other night- he hit me in the head with this balled up piece of paper. rather hard, and never apologized. I was talking to someone at the time. Later, he pushed me with comments of professionalism, and so forth. He's just bouncing on that last nerve and I am getting to the point of exploding.
Sigh.
Double sigh at that.
Gotta go- eat or something.
By the way- Brooke- your welcome- I only wish i could do more.
Oh and by the way again dear- even if you don't make GE, please be at FoF- I miss you terribly and though I know things aren't groovy with you and some other stuff right now in life, I really, really could use a hug from my best friend. It's time, so damn deperately time.
Love,
Jon