More self analysis!
2004-02-28||xx||3:57 a.m.
I had actually written several updates but, as I ran out of paper, I failed to print them for copying so there is but this one, meager offering for the week. Damn...Well, here goes anyways.
So i had a bad dream the other night...( and no, this isn't about the nameless, faceless horror that bothered me so much i was afraid to sleep.) No, this was something altogether different. My dream, for all it's oddity, was simple- al it entailed was me seeing Amber and hugging her. Normally this would be a pleasurable thing, but since this upcoming Lissonaer event will be the first time we have seen each other since the breakup, it becomes something altogether different. It's kinda like when Chrissy and I hadn't seen each other for so long after breaking up, that first meeting or RE-meeting I should say, it was so iffy as to how it would go. Would I turn away after being rife with so many emotions, or would I just swallow everything and greet my friend?
Of course too- the situation with Chrissy is significantly different. We were never truly dating, and we were in no way nearly as intimate as Amber and I had been, and, our breakup was taken care of very "physically" whereas with Amber, well it happened on the phone.
Of course, it disturbs me that i could have this kind of feeling too- I mean, this isn't a very grownup kind of feeling, to be hedgy about seeing a former loved one (not to say she isn't loved now, it's just different types, before mentioned love is an intimate physical thing, after love is more...well, friendly love.) And of course, also, some may consider openly admitting my hesitation on a public forum to be silly, but the thing with Amber and I has always been honesty, and if I were not honest with her I wouldn't be honest with myself, then not with the situation either. Redundancy I know, but I have no other words with which to describe.
So what will it be? When I see her again for the first time since breaking up? What emotions will come flooding back? And that's not even going into the fact that Joe will be at FoF- I'm not even sure i want to meet the guy who's going to be the father of her child. I mean, one part of me says- be responsible, be adult and the other, well- it's too busy screaming "that should have been me" to comment on that situation.
So there you have it- While I hold no short amount of excitement about the upcoming events and seeing people I love, i do harbor some insecurities about seeing someone I once loved with everythign I had to give, and on some levels... very much still do. And of course, I am expecting an email about this post soon.
Love,
Cephy