305- Halloween- What once was a good day for me, just devolves to misery...
2003-10-31||xx||4:40 p.m.
My schedule has now officially been altered. And I don't like it one bit- in the interest of strengthening their day side people on friday, I have traded my friday night shift for a friday day shift. Instead of going to work at 4:30 on fridays, I now ride in at 9am. The reasons I don't like this are pretty simple- a) I could have before, called Tony and asked for a ride- no more. B) I really enjoyed my friday nights- it was busy, I got to go home early, it was fun- no more. C) I work with Mr. Putt along, Jason now on fri mornings- and that's going to drive me to drinking, I can see it now.
Let me explain- we go in at 9, open at 11- so, there is two hours to set up the line, and do all the prep. Sometimes prep can be exhaustive and extensive, others days, it's pretty light. I worked twice this week, and both times, Jason, oh pokey mother that he is, managed to make the bubble bread in two hours. Bubble bread goes like this: Take one french loaf/ chibatta bread roll, cut in half. Butter each side, spatula blended blue cheese on top and coat with a thin layer of cheese. Easy right? And an entire case of it is only about 30 pieces, so, what you do is cut it all, butter it all, blue cheese and cheese it all and blam! Your done. Takes me all of 15 minutes to do both bubble bread and herb bread. Jason- it's a freaking epic adventure.
So, basically, as it was explained to me- I am working friday mornings in the interest of lighting a fire under his ass. Which I can do, easily. As it was today- I ran my station, assisted Matt on wheel and filled in for Jason when he fell behind- as he did, most often.
I just don't want to work mornings- what in the hell am I going to do with a friday night off?
Heresy I swear.
I'm bummed- like just bummed- I can't go to the party this weekend, because of work, and again, I will miss the AriLisa dressed as a cat. :( It seems for me to get any day off, I will need to request it off several weeks in the future. And, most likely,when I get the job with the city, that will just dissapear completely.
Shit.
Now for the Amber portion of our post, and yes, there is one...I'm angry. Annoyed angry. Sometimes, yes, I know, it's bad, but sometimes, suicidally angry, though those don't last long. What scares me is that they are there at all.
Why am I angry? It's not at her, really. I mean the anger isn't directed her way- it's more of a feeling that the whole breakup has caused. I can't help it- I feel...discarded.
I can't really explain the feeling- I mean sure, I feel some loss, and some other types of pain, but what I feel most predominantly and prevalent, is this severe sense of worthlessness, as if there were standards and I just couldn't meet them.
Maybe I'm silly, maybe I'm not- but I feel like all I did was try, only to be given up on when things got rough.
Yeah I know- things got weird, but really, what does that mean? Things always were weird- it's hard, damned hard to live four hundred miles away from someone you consider to be the epitome' of your life, let alone love them unconditionally, without question for the better part of a year. Is it any wonder now, after all that has happened, the one thought that keeps going through my mind is Game over? Just game over...
I don't want to go through this again- I don't want to reach, and stretch and try to be happy- I mean, look at what happened this time. It's like life gave me a teaser, a taste of what other people enjoy, then when things got weird, yanked it away, not caring if it's barbs were still embedded in my flesh, in my heart. That's cruel man, wicked cruel.
And what do I have to show for it? Some feelings and a sense of loss that drives me every day to spend more and more money to occupy my time? A space of time left open and gaping as everything I worked for this past year came to amount to exactly what I have right now...Nothing. Yes, there are times where I want to die- I can't help that. There are times when I want to curl up with my feelings, my emotions, my hatreds and spend the rest of my days weeping...
There are even times when I want to cut myself again and again just to feel the pain, the one emotion I have left that's constant and enveloping.
I know I can't though. I can't let myself fall that far, slip to that hole of despair again. I went there after my mom died, and pretty much stayed there until I met Sarah. I haven't been back since, but then...I haven't loved anyone as much either.
Until now.
Strange things hurt me, songs almost certainly will, things that were special. I refuse to listen to Evanescence's You...just on the knowledge of what Dar William's Christians and the Pagans does to me...
This Halloween is like all the others, and yet different in the same. I'm alone, as I have always been, but never have I wanted to spend my holiday with someone more than this year.
In closing, a thought- in Amber's diary she mentions Samhain, and a cleansing ritual to rid herself of all the crap that has attached itself to her in the past year. That's nice....but, I wonder...Am I part of that crap?
All just part of feeling like a discarded love I guess, being used then tossed in the garbage or recycling bin.
I can't help it- I hate lonely, and I hate life as it is right now.
Can you blame me?
Jon